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GOD BLESSES, THE DEVIL MESSES

I am a writer. This is what I do. This is my passion and my work and you can imagine how existential it is to me. God gave me this talent many years ago. Before He did, I had tried to become an artist and a photographer but instead I became pregnant.

I wasn't ready to have children at that stage of my life. I didn't even know if I were ever ready and I doubted I was capable to raise a child. I had other plans for my life. Greater plans. I felt I lost everything I had ever dreamt of. And as happy I was having this beautiful baby, part of me felt like a failure.

I wasn't saved back then, but God's hand was over me and gently He led me into writing. He had given me a supportive husband (even when we were not married back then) and He dropped the talent into me. It was a miracle. I had tried so hard to become an artist but everything I did, looked as someone else had done it better before. Writing instead came easy, with no effort. I had two hours a day, where I sat down (rather lied down because I work from bed) and the words would just flow into my laptop and after I finished I was amazed by what I had written. I could have never imagined it before. After three months a book of two hundred pages was finished. I immediately sold it and it became a success. It was like a dream.

But soon after that, the trouble started. I felt a lot of pressure on me, keeping up the standard, in every way. In my writing and in the standard of living which my writing supported. We travelled around the world and were able to live wherever we wanted to. For the first time in my life I had more money in my account then I could imagine. I thought about what I could write next. What people would expect from me, what would surprise them, what would completely sweep them off their feet. Writing became harder and harder and what had started as a gift became a burden. I became depressive because my career went down and I felt there was nothing I could do to stop it and nothing to bring back that first joy of writing.

God led us to South Africa, where He saved us and my whole life turned around. Except my writing. I struggeled and came to the point where I was ready to lay down my talent at the altar. During this time God showed me that my worth is in Him alone and not in my career as a writer as I had thought. Though I had given it all over to Him, I realize only now, that I never trusted Him with it.

My writing was opposed to God. It was my footing in the world that I didn’t want to give up. Apart from that God created the earth and everything on it, what would He know about writing and the literary world? He was way too lofty for that. I had taken the gift and shut God out of the whole process. I was praying for inspiration but I still wanted to keep control.

I listened to Mike's preach on the root of pride last night (not that I particularly needed that). He spoke about this one preacher who started full of confidence and ended defeated, and the other man who started humble and God spoke through him, and I realized: there was my problem. I had started humble when I wrote my first book but from then on I had become more and more proud about how I would show the world what an amazing writer I was.

I repented and told God that I could understand that He had taken away my gift because I misused it, thinking it came out of my own strength, but He immediately stopped me, saying: What kind of Father do you think I am, taking away a gift because you didn't use it properly? It is yours forever!

This changed everything. All these years I had feared God could take away my talent. That He could strip me of something so precious to me. Trying so hard in my own strength and getting nowhere only confirmed my fear. This is how the enemy works: taking what God intended as a blessing and turning it into a stumbling block.

Now I have an unshakeable confidence. Not in my abilities but in His grace and love and goodness. It wasn't God withholding anything from me, but I myself blocking the gift through pride which lead to fear. While I am writing this, I can feel the same joy and excitement as I did when I wrote the first book. I know it is there and I know God is taking me on a great new journey. All the glory goes to Him! Always!

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Dr Sven & Madame Elke and their adventures in faith

Sven Lager and his wife Elke live with their children in Stanford at the river where they write their novels and travel stories. Five years ago the Lord led them safely from the pagan backlands of Germany to Hermanus where they fell in love with the beautiful crowd of Live The Life church. Luckily they stayed for better reasons. Every week they will share as Dr. Sven and Madam Elke an adventure in faith. You are welcome to comment or write to them. (sven.lager@gmail.com)

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